The Truth About So-Called "Toxic People"

How many posts or articles have you seen that start with something like “How to protect yourself from toxic people?” Or, the thousands of articles out there about “Why empaths attract toxic people?” Every time I turn around, I am seeing something that is focused on helping people rid themselves of these so-called “toxic” people.

But, here’s the deal. There is no such thing as a “toxic person.” Right off the bat, you may be objecting to that statement because you could probably name at least a few people that would fall into that category. Of course people don’t always behave in a way that makes us feel warm and fuzzy, and even worse, there are those that do horrible, hurtful things to those around them.

And, some of these people doing these horrible things are our very own family members. No wonder so many people struggle to maintain their high vibe and positive outlook when they are forced to interact with people that seem to want to bring them down.

Most articles about toxic people talk about how it’s ok to walk away from these destructive individuals. That you should banish them from your life and move on happily ever after. Maybe, but that advice is a little flawed. Of course it is a good thing, and totally appropriate to set boundaries with people. It is important to make clear what you will and won’t allow, and you also have the right to choose with whom you spend your time.

However, if you label these people as toxic, you are missing the whole point of their presence in your life. And, if you have not done your own inner work to understand why they affect you as they do, it doesn’t matter if you banish them from your life, someone else will show up to take their place.

You cannot change your life experiences by manipulating the world around you. You cannot run and hide from things that make you uncomfortable. These things and people that bring up icky feelings for you, are spotlights! They are extremely helpful because they are showing you the wounds, the un-healed, the disempowered aspects of yourself. They show you all of the ways that you are not loving yourself unconditionally.

In the words of Eckhart Tolle, “You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”

When you realize who you are, at the deepest level, when you fully embrace that YOU are the creator of your reality, and that YOU attract EVERY circumstance into your awareness within your life experience, you will no longer blame anyone or feel the need to label anyone as “toxic.”

You simply cannot hold the belief that you create your reality through your vibrational point of attraction (dominant beliefs and focus), and blame anyone else for affecting you in a negative way at the same time. These are two opposing beliefs.

Now, if you are like the majority of those on the spiritual development path, you will find yourself sort of toggling back and forth between these to polar opposites on a fairly regular basis. If you want to get to the point that virtually no one can get you rattled, and if they do, you can snap right out of it, consider these 3 tips:

  1. Realize that everyone has aspects that are positive and not so positive. If you find yourself experiencing mostly the “negative” aspects of a person that has a significant role in your life, understand that the reason you are seeing those aspects, is because you are a vibrational match to those not so positive aspects. What is their behavior bringing up in you that makes you uncomfortable? Always think of them as a mirror for your inner beliefs.

  2. Once you identify the inner belief they are bringing to light for you, begin the work of shifting that belief by replacing it with another belief that actually serves your highest good.

  3. When you realize and acknowledge that you and this other person are playing “roles” based on soul agreements for this lifetime, you can see that his/her behavior is bringing into the light some un-healed wounds you have been carrying, you can shift your feeling.

Realize that he or she is also a powerful and Divine soul, and he/she is exhibiting their own pain within this particular life experience. You can then have compassion and understanding for him/her and even gratitude for the healing and inner wisdom you gain from the relationship.

These tips may sound simple, but so many people struggle with this!

When you are able to make the shift in perception, and are able to identify what core beliefs and wounds the other person is reflecting for you, you can re-frame your thinking about the situation to shift into beliefs that serve your inner healing. Then, one of two things will happen:

a) You will find that you are no longer matching vibrationally with the other person, and they will, one way or another, fall out of your life.

b) You will continue to interact with the other person, but now, you will mostly notice their positive aspects and the negative aspects will no longer be your dominant awareness.

Finally, put this mantra in your pocket and pull it out whenever you encounter someone that gets you fired up, or hurts you in some way…

“Thank you, Divine Soul, for showing me what I need to acknowledge and release for my highest good.”

Jami Derro